think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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