He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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