All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
