God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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