You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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