I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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