dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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