I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
