Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
