Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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