I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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