the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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