I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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