Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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