so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
