you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
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I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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