and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
