We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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