I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
