wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
