Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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