I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
