I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
being pregnant is like rehab
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
