I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
