Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
