i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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