happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
