Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
