First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
