Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
