I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Even my vagina gasped.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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