my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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