got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
