The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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