If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
