Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
