i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
