so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
