so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
