I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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