Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
