im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
