my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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