The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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