Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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