Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
