Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Randomize
