im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
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and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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