toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
