I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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