I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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