I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
