i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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