it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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