Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
