at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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