hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
