Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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