Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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