I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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