dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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